As a stay-at-home mom of two toddlers, my mental and emotional capacity has been stretched and tested like never before. Sometimes, it is hard to comprehend why little things, like not getting that specific piece of strawberry that she wanted, would cause such a rage (I swear I could literally see fire in her eyes).
I started digging deep into finding solutions for toddler tantrums, and then I realized the key solution to the problem is ME, not my children. In order to help toddlers regulate their feelings, parents will have to regulate their own emotions first. Otherwise, we can make a bad situation worse.
We have a type of brain cell called 'mirror neurons' (cells that mimic behavior and feelings they see in others). If we see a friend bump her head, our mirror neurons fire up, and we wince in sympathy as though feeling the pain. When a parent gets angry or yells during difficult moments with our kids, our child’s mirror neurons rise up to meet ours. More anger ensues, the situation intensifies, and it takes us longer to get to a place of calm and resolution.
Instead of pouring gasoline into a fiery situation, this intensive meltdown period is actually the best time to show them empathy and calmness in the midst of a crisis. Toddlers do not learn by imparted words of wisdom but instead learn by mirroring their parents (their actions, expressions, and body language).
A toddler meltdown is a physiological response in the brain. Three major parts are involved: the amygdala (allows us to feel emotions or a.k.a threat detector), hypothalamus (releases cortisol and adrenaline causing raising heart rate, rapid breathing, and increasing body temperature), and pre-frontal cortex (allows us to reason and make sound decisions).
What is going on in their brain during a meltdown? The amygdala detects a threat (they feel anger, frustration, and the fight or flight mode is activated), the hypothalamus causes a snap (surge of adrenaline and cortisol causing an increasing heart rate, tense muscles, rapid breathing, and followed by kicking, screaming, and wailing).
The adult rage cascade happens the same way, but the one thing that is different is that we have a fully developed prefrontal cortex. A fully developed prefrontal cortex allows emotional regulation and impulse control, like a tiny switch button that helps to de-escalate anger and then reframe the situation for a better perspective. Unfortunately, toddlers have yet to have a fully developed prefrontal cortex.
Imagine this brain at the peak of their emotional breakdown, all these big feelings pouring in and they have no control over it. This experience can be pretty intense, overwhelming, confusing, and scary. As a parent, we should allow them to feel what they feel and guide them into coping with these big feelings instead of suppressing them with punishments and threats.
My name is Jowyne; I quit being a doctor to be a stay-at-home mom, and now I am trying to navigate myself in the world of conscious parenting. I have two beautiful tiny brains with big feelings, and I am still learning to be a better parent every single day.
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